Fear Factor

Growing up, I was not a particularly fearful child. In fact I imagine my parents got a more than a few gray hairs from the shenanigans I pulled. I was the definition of ragamuffin mixed with a little bit of dare devil.

Exhibit A

I did have some of your usual childhood fears: Grasshoppers in the hallway, wet towel flicks from my brother, or the first night away at camp. I also had some fears unique to growing up in South Korea: our run away dogs being eaten by someone for dinner, riots and tear gas, and some of the meals we were served as guests in a local church. (Don’t worry–our dogs always turned back up safe from the soup pot. Despite our dad telling us not to worry, that our dogs were too sinewy to make for a good meal, I did always worry until they were safe at home.)

It wasn’t until I was older that I learned to fear things. I began to be afraid of speed (yeah–like going really fast!) when I broke my arm roller skating down a hill. I learned the fear of abandonment when my siblings accidentally (?) left me on the US military base after school one day and my dad had to drive the 30+ minutes to pick me up. I learned the fear of heights when I climbed up the gate at our house and got stuck up top and it took me at least an hour to come back down.

And it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with MS that I learned the fear of singleness. I haven’t always loved being single–I have had times of contentment, but my desire to be married has always simmered just beneath the surface. But until I was diagnosed with this disease, I was never afraid of ending up alone for the rest of my life.

I have learned a lot of useful things in my life as a single woman. I put up the backsplash in my kitchen with minimal help from the guys at Home Depot and a few teary conversations with my dad. I know how to change a tire–though living in the South means I have not had to actually do that because every time some gentleman has stopped to help me. I know how to unstop the toilet, relight my water heater, and how to find the stud in a wall. I can hang pictures (and they are level!), cook a fancy meal, and take apart a vacuum cleaner and get it back together.

I am pretty handy. Especially since my parents gave me a toolbox and drill set for Christmas.

I never worried about myself living alone until March 18, 2020. And now I find my mind being filled with what-if’s and (sometimes) overwhelming anxiety. What will my future look like? What will my disease look like when I am 55? 65? Who will pick me up (literally!) when I fall?

But…

Fear is a real thing. We all live with it in our lives. We all have parts of our lives controlled by that unknown something that sneaks in and gets you when you least expect it. No matter how often we hear “Let go and let God” or “We have nothing to fear but fear itself…” fear is a motivating factor in our lives. While both sayings hold truth, both are also trite condescensions. They belittle the core of our fear–our humanity.

God did not create us to fear, but He created us knowing that fear was going to be a part of our every day lives. Imagine the quaking and shaking Adam and Eve did in the Garden when they were waiting for God after the fall… God knew that their shame and guilt would also lead to fear. God already knew of their sin, shame, and fear but He came to the Garden anyway. They were not alone.

And from that day forward God has reminded us that we do not have to fear this world or what comes at us in our lives.

God tells us over and over again–do not fear. I am with you. The I AM is with you.

And I am not alone.

I will strengthen you, He says.

So when my muscles are weary and my body and soul grow fatigued He will be my strength–and my song.

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand, He says.

And when I have fallen and need help rising, He will lift me on wings of eagles.

Do not fear–I am with you, He says.

And I am not alone.