This summer has been one of the most remarkably different and unpredictable summers I’ve experienced… IDK… ever? Between COVID, MS, and yet ANOTHER new classroom & school, my summer has been the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. A chaotic spectacle and midway through, I am shaking my head asking myself, “I woke up early for this?”
If we just had the wacky floats or fabulous balloons, that would be one thing, but we seem to have thrown in a random soap opera star singing “Danke Shoen” while tap dancing. Can we say #extra?
One good thing that came out of my wild and wacky summer was getting to babysit the most adorable 4 year old and 16 week old ever. They are a completely social distancing/quarantining family. And because of my unstable immune system, so am I. Going to their house four times a week means I have a routine, I am building up stamina, and I am around people who need me.
It’s important.
The four year old, J, is precious. Not too long after I started, he and I had a long talk about the “bruise on my brain” being the reason I can’t ride his scooter… that and it’s designed for a four year old, not a forty-ahem year old. When I left that particular day, he asked if he could kiss my bruise and make it better. Cue heart melting and tear shedding.
This week, Baby A has been particularly active. She loves to bounce and play and do all the 4 month old things. And she absolutely adores her brother, J. At one point we were playing and A was squirming in my arms trying to contort her body so she could see J and I thought, “When this girl starts to walk, there will be no stopping her…”
Innately we seem to connect the ability to walk to being independent–when A gets her feet under her, she will be ruling the world. In my mind I was truly thinking that this sweet girl was going to run everyone ragged when she finally starts to walk. Things that were once safe and unexplored will become fair game–including Rip the dog and Riley the cat.
One of the first things I truly lost when my MS relapse was at it worst was my balance–and my security in walking. So my independence was suddenly lost as well. While I only bit the dust a few times, it was embarrassing and horrible every time. I hated my body and it’s failure to just be normal. I went from completely independent to a complete crumpled mess in no time flat. I can laugh about it now, but it was dicey at the time.
The one time I had the bad luck to fall in front of my dad may have scarred us both for life. I learned that day that questioning my choice of footwear was actually a previously undiscovered expression of love. #truestory #HiddenLoveLanguage
A few weeks ago, God kept bringing to mind how weak I am without Him–that my independence is just a smoke and mirror trick I use to feel like I am in control. He reminded me that my feet work at His command and for His purposes. Our sermon that week was from Matthew 14–where Peter steps out of the boat into the storm. In this passage, Peter shows great faith by stepping away from the security of the boat to move towards his Savior.
Mid-way, Peter begins to doubt and thus begins to sink. My pastor said something here that really got my attention. He said that at this point, Peter knew Jesus could stop the storm in it’s tracks–he had done that earlier in the book of Matthew. But Jesus didn’t do that this time. Instead Jesus reached out, and took Peter by the hand and walked with him through the storm to the safety of the boat.
I have been praying consistently since my MS diagnosis for God to take away this disease. Remission isn’t good enough in my mind. I want it gone. But that isn’t the path God has chosen for me. God could stop this MS storm in its tracks, but instead, He has reached out and is walking through it with me.
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
Matthew 14
Though I am not safely in the boat yet, it is not lost on me that Jesus showed more grace and might by walking with Peter through the storm than He would have by stopping the storm. When Jesus and Peter were back on the boat, the wind stopped. The other disciples began to worship Jesus. His divinity was recognized and it humbled everyone who saw. Through Peter’s weakness, God was glorified.
By walking with Peter, and now walking with me, Jesus shows that our journey of faith is not a solitary journey. We are not left to our own devices. And even our moments of faithlessness are not irreparable. When Peter began to sink, Jesus didn’t say to him, “Well… good luck buddy. I tried but you clearly aren’t worthy.” He simply reminded Peter what the problem was (lack of faith), and picked him up.
We are not immune to the consequences of our choices. I often heard my parents say, “You are free to choose but you are not free from the consequences of your choices.” Sometimes the storm is your consequence for unhealthy or sinful choices. Sometimes the storm is a faith builder. Sometimes you are an innocent bystander caught up in the storm. But no matter what the storm is–be it self-inflicted, inflicted by others, or ordained by God, you can weather the storm.
Even when God chooses not to stop it, He will always walk through the storm with you.
For those of you who pray, I have new scans and blood work next week to see if the drugs I am on are effective on me. Please be in prayer with me as I go–that this medicine is truly working.
MS Joy 
You are always in my prayers.
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